you want to know what's going on now?
since my mom stayed home
and she makes an effort to catch up,
she' slowly being brought into my life.

it's just that, all she has to do is to talk,
im starting to feel more alright about
leaving my door open,
i dont really care if she can see anymore
no i dont.

yes,
it's my fault, i know you feel weird when
you meet my friends. there's not a thing
i can do.. im not all powerful, i dont know
how to change an awkward situation..

that's why i dont pull you to meet my friends
anymore?

and as my mom gets closer,
i want you to get closer too.
im breaking the barrier. and i guess my mom's
pretty satisfied by it.
i dont know if you really wanna compare it that
way. i guess not...
but i hope, in the years to come, or hopefully,
the months, you'd ease up..

you ask me to relax.. but that's what
i want you to do... to relax and to forget
about trying to protect yourself
cause.. im trying my best to let people in,
and i hope you'd do the same.
i am opening my eyes, experiencing new stuff
and im sure recently you are too.
accept, just like how earth accepts life.

i hope for the best.
and im trying to be a better son,
a better bf, a better person.

and im changing my lifestyle alot.
for what? for the simple word; us




that's the smell of burning flesh!
you knew that smell yet you followed
you idiot.
why wear such a huge shoe when it
doesnt even fit? you fucking retard.
how many times do you need to trip
before you'd learn?
people say determination is good
but you ain't determined you are
rash and completely clueless.
hell you cant even see for goodness sake
you are still so caught up by your fears,
you cant see and you cant hear her pleas
what is wrong with you?
you motherfucking worthless shitfilled
pit. what?
what's the pit for?
your worthless ass just got more worthless
when it's filled by shit.

damnit, what's that strong front for?
you know you are weak, nobody knows you
nobody knows how afraid you are.
you are the weakest inside. but no one has
seen that the jester is craving for attention
although everyone loves him,
the jester is crying. yet no one sees




i do not want to do this.
not not no more.
why must you use such affectionate tones
with your ex too?
i said i dont mind your friends.
but i thought you were done with your ex
dont you know that nothing needs to be said
when you call him 'boy' and he calls you 'girl'
and even now you still use it?
nothing else needs to be said.

i dont know how to react or
maybe im being too crazy huh?
im not thinking straight.
im tryin to give you as much space as possible
but maybe cause you are too young,
i end up feeling like im still an obstruction for your
life.'

at the start of the relationship i closed an eye,
cause we were readjusting. both of us.
your blog post on 16th of feb, one day into it.
that's fine.
now? way into it, 28th of feb. what was that comment to him for?
forget it. if you read this, you might panic or be angry
but im like you, just tryna find an outlet.
you know, sometimes there's little to be said.
prove your sincererity with actions
i lose faith easily. and i hope i dont lose faith in you.




its quite a joke,
i have promised myself to not write here
ever again.

but then whenever i have stuff that i
very much wana voice out.
i think of this blog.

then let me tell you something,
it's not that i want to insist on you meeting me
it's not that i want to force to conform.

but, it's that i just want to see you.
then realise that on ordinary days,
i can let you have what you want.

i know, you arent feeling good too.
but when im sick and frustrated,
i get pretty unreasonable,
i hope you understand.

now you told me to wait.
and im still wating.
but you havent appeared.
this wait feels like it's been goin for eons
i want to runaway. but you dont seem to
want to follow.

i want to take you with me
may i?




i want you to understand that when
i ask you something. it means i already know
when you deny it, i will pretend that i dont know.

like you, i dont want to disappoint people.
so i try my best to give them what they want
thats why when i asked if you were tired,
i knew you were, but you said no.
not wanting to disappoint me. but,
i did not want to shove your efforts away.

im sorry.
know that when you say i did not understand you,
i was disappointed way beyond everything,
not with you but with me.

and when i dont say certain things,
and i turn and leave, each time,
i put weights upon my heart and hear my fears
cause i know, if i turn back and put you in my arms,
i wont let go. i wont bear to. cause i know, next time
we meet, will be a long time away.

today, would be the first month.
the surface seems calm but the undercurrent is
deadlier than any i've seen.
but i dont want to lose faith.

faith, it's hard to believe im actually thinking this,
if you want to know that i do care,
believe in me, have faith. that's all i ask.
i dont want to leave you alone,
i dont want to make you feel used, deprived,
disrespected or any sort of negetive feelings.
cause i feel them all, all the time.

i believe in you.
as much as i hope you'd believe in me
doubt anything. but us, and me.
know that i care, know that i respect you
and most of all, know that im true.