Thursday, September 21, 2006
HEART
hmm.. the heart, the heart.. why do people always say "follow your heart"?
and claim that they follow theirs?
your heart is the essense to the world, your heart doesn't make you two-faced..
and yupp.. many perhaps all of us are two-faced,
we don't follow our heart..
even if you wanted to, you cannot follow it blindly,
you have to differenciate between real advice and treachery..
treachery is a blow that comes unexpected,
so if you wanna protect yourself against your heart,
know it well enough... talk to it often and observe how it reacts to each situation..
once you know it well enough,
it won't even try to betray you, it cannot..
GOOD N EVIL
all of you should have heard and seen,
the painting of "the last supper" by Leonardo da Vinci,
did you know, that when he created this picture,
he encountered a huge problem,
he had do depict Good-Jesus and Evil-Judas..
he had decided, not to paint till he had found the ideal models for his picture..
'One day, whilst he was listening to a choir,
he saw in one of the boys, the perfect image of Good.
He invited this boy, to his studio and made sketches and studies on this boy's face..
'Three years went by, and the picture was nearly complete..
but he hasn't found anyone to perfectly portray Judas.
The cardinal in charge had started to put pressure on him to finish off this picture.
Many days went by, when he came across a prematurly aged youth,
drunk and lying in a gutter.
there wasn't anymore time for preliminary sketches,
he was brought straight to the church.
the begger, not knowing what was going on,
was held up by Leonardo's assistants
while Leonardo copied the lines of impiety,
sin and egotism so clearly etched on his face..
'when Leonardo was finished,
the begger had sobered up and opened up his eyes.
upon seeing this picture, the begger said with a mixture of horror and sadness:
"i've seen that picture before!"
Leonardo asked astonised: "When?"
the begger answered,
"three years ago, before i lost everything i had,
at a time when i used to sing in a choir and my life was filled with dreams.
An artist asked me to pose as the model as the face of Jesus."
so now you see, that Good and Evil have the same face;
it all depends on when they cross the path of each individual..
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {3:19 AM}
Monday, September 18, 2006
"if", i hated that word.. "if"..
"if" that word will never happen, "if" is a word used to push responsibility,
a word used to push all the blame to fate..
from day one, i like god, do not play with dice and believe in coincidences..
but recently, that believe has been challenged,
i started inputting that dreaded word in my head,
all the thoughts filled with "if"..
i always tell others, don't say "if.."
you should have done it.. don't go telling me "if"
events in my life start changing i find myself asking
"what IF i never see again?"
"what IF i never got to see again and you'd never appeared in my life again?"
"what IF i become useless cause i can't see"
"IF i had a chance to do things over, i would never have gotten into it.."
"IF i had never gotten into it.. would things have been different?"
all these "if" flooding me, i'm not used to mysel anymore,
i need reassurence of my existence, people who can give me that,
seem to have restrictions, it ain't their fault,
one's too far away, one has a jealous boyfriend and one, avoids me like fire from water..
get it? my life sucks more than a female mosquito sucks blood..
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {12:45 AM}
Saturday, September 16, 2006
i want people to see,a script on how love eludes you only when you want it the most...but 1st, my story...an old man told me last night, that if a girl left you, it's her prob..fact that you're drinking says that you have problems... but you cannot show them..young people never drink cause they have too little things to think about,relationships don't mean to them.. but you drink.. shows that you treasure relationship alot..don't worry la.. you're a good guy, there's surely a very good girl waiting for you.. your only one.. s'pore got so many girls, scared what? but don't ever break her heart..i could only nod in agreement..here's the script i wanna share about love that eludes you, only when you start to want it..guy: i remember you told me about the person,who placed so much faith in love that he gave everything,what was the end of the story?gal: i don't know,i forgot such a person existed,i forgot the story..guy:(walks out of car)gal:(chases)where are you going?(from this point, the guy is just lying, he doesn't wanna snatch from his dying best friend) guy: this is meaningless..gal:what do you mean?guy: the novelty of it is lost, i was playing with you.i didn't know you were so easy, too easy.. it's no fungal:don't you love me?guy: love? what is that?come on, don't look like the world has ended, it's hypocritical..you do not even give respect to that word...hopping from relationships to relationships...*whispers in her ear*sometimes, the world has got to be fairer (walks away)gal: (shocked)(cry)(could you ever imagine, what the guy is goin through? it's not easy you know? most people are selfish in these aspects...)
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {11:50 PM}
sometimes knowing lesser is better.. yet somestimes i wanna know more..if i want to see with both eyes again i gotta relax..if i cannot see for too long.. and both eyes go, it'll be permenant.. but wuth the recent spate of events,can i? i need understanding from some people...but they cannot give me that understanding..my mom, she cannot give me that..all she ever knows howta do is think that i'm mixing with bad company..she thinks drinking is about mixing with bad company..why doesn't she ever ask me.. "what's wrong? why do you drink?"i really wanted to see something for the last time..my o levels are coming.. i'm already stressed enough..my mom stresses me, my buddy's prob stresses me,my misfortunes stresses me, my friend..by saying you're stressed, makes me stressed too..look at it this way.. my life's a mess.. i need a break.. but my mom doesn't wanna give me one..from the end of prelims, school's gnna be like what? 7.20am-6.00pm..you're askin me to stay in school for 11 hours? i cannot study in school..and after school, i'll be tired.. and i'll go home.. but i only can study outside.. so is that "study program" of any help?no.. that's what stressing me the most now..i wanna study, school doesn't give me a chance to..like, whatever... life's jus a mess and it sucks...kai.. why that day you came.. never take a knife and just stab me..i'm telling you.. i will love you man... you wanted to whack me..in the end? never whack.. if you take knife just chiam...everything sua.. i can take a long break redi.. don't ever needa come back..now lehh.. because u just left me angry..i went to punch wall until i had so many wounds on my right hand...so difficult to write... sua lah.. life just sucks.. nothing more to say to that...
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {10:28 AM}
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Argh! liver sucks.. i'll try not to lose so much blood next time i promise..damn.. fucking shit
and now, a poem "Who Now?"... from a song "Ahora Quién"..
Now who are you deciving with your arms?
Now who are you going to lay to your lips?
Now who are you going to tell "i love you"
and in silence, give your body to him..
Who will you stop time on the pillow for?
And who will spend a thousand hours in your gaze?
Who will exist for the sole purpose of loving you?
Who now?
Who will write you poems and letters,
and countyou his fears and imperfections?
Who will you leave, asleep on your back?
and in the silence, will tell him "te quiero"?
Who will stop his breath on your face?
Who will lose his course in your gaze
and will forget life loving you?
Who now?
Who now if i am not?
i look at the mirror and i cry,
i feel stupid and illogical,
then i imagine,
you giving him the smell of your skin,
your kisses, your eternal smile
and even your soul in a kiss.
in a kiss goes the soul
and in my soul is the kiss that should be mine...
To who will you leave your fragrance in bed?
Who wil carry your memory with him tomorrow?
Who will you spend with in hours of silence,
and in silence, give your body to him?
Who will stop time on his face
and will spend thousands of hours by the window?
And lall ended with his voice calling..
"Who Now? Who now?"
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {8:24 AM}
Sunday, September 10, 2006
here's a story, from a translation of "no me ames"
dedicated to you..especially from the "i don't love you" part
*if you know who you are*
she said: Tell me, why are you crying?he said:Because I'm happyshe said:And why are you so choked up?he said:From lonelinessshe said:And why are you squeezing my hand So tightly And your thoughts seem to be wandering?he said: I love you so muchshe said:Why?he said: Don't be so hard-headed Stop doubting me Although in the future there's a large sky I'm not afraid I want to love youshe said:Don't love me because you think I'm different You don't think it's right For us to spend this time together Don't love me because I know what a lie it would behe said:If you don't think I deserve your love Don't love me I'm going to stay another dayshe said:Don't love me because I'm lost Because I change the world Because it's my destiny Because I can't changehe said: We are a mirror And you are my reflectionshe said:Don't love me To be dying in a war of regret and sad thoughts Don't love me Because in this world This great love deserves to soar through the blue sky
he said: I don't know what to say
she said:That's the truth
If people want to want to hurt us, they will
If you and I part now
They don't matter
But in this world...
he said:Don't leave me
she said:"I don't love you"
he said: Stop breaking my heart with these "I don't love you's"
she said:Don't love me
Because my heart is breaking
he said: That is useless
I will always love you
she said:Don't love me
You have suffered enough
he said: My heart has turned cold like a million winters
she said:Don't love me
he said: To forget about your gray days
I want you to always love me
You and I are changing
One with the other
And always together
This love is like the sun
That comes out after a storm
Like two comets in the same galaxy
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {12:30 PM}
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Let's escape far away from here
Distant from everything
In the darkness where nothing else exists
But looking in your eyes
Let's hide from the crowd
From the day to day absurdities
Where all these disturbing things are
No longer in our lives
So that we are alone, my love
And the universe embraces us
Where those doubts and those fears
That we have left in the past will disappear
So that we are alone, my love
In an endless day
With no worries
About what the others might say
Where we sleep holding each other
And if the sunrise surprises us
Knowing that you are there
Reassures me that we are alone
Let's escape for necessity
We owe it to each other so much
If the love is there, there is no need to wait
Wherever or whenever
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {9:56 AM}
