Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Stories that became history.Life sure holds a million and one suprises.But somehow, i hate these suprises, they pounce when you're not lookingbut it's never for fun, most of the time, it will leave you in shamblesand you wouldn't even know what in the blue hell struck you.I remember, a "brotherhood" once so strong, the moral support and physical unity we had for each other seems to be so impregnable.It started so suddenly with him and me having just broken up,each from our 1st relationship,the nights we spent gazing at stars and wondering what others are thinkingwhilst we were busy licking our wounds from the physical distance we have from our EX girls when in the past, the distance seems to be negligible.Life progressed with two whole weeks of incessant drinking to the moonand talking about our past, this created a strong bond between us as it was what we considered helping each other up from the fall.After that, many of each of our close friends joined us in this "brotherhood",that was how it started.It only lasted for a year,after so, we went our separate ways and he accused me of things that i never did,stained my name and left just like that,our friendship meant nothing from then on, his life was much more important,i was at a loss, all the fun times we had, all the staying out at night,all the vices that we shared, all the indulgence that we had,seemed so trival.No one will ever know, how that hurts inside when i see the same old window,the window that we'd all climb through after my mom fell asleep,the old eatery we always went to? i do not dare to return back there,the shortcuts we used to take? i dare not enter,the cafe we hangged out in has shifted, what luck.the canal near my home, i have never went back down after this,all these places hold phantoms of the past, the past that i loved.Now that it's lost, what's the point?just fuck off and die for all i care.if this is the kind of friendship that you guys offer,i'd rather not accept,my raison d'etre is not you guys and never will be.i was just fucking reminising the past,don't think that i missed you,i just missed the times.And no! i don't wanna turn back time,i don't need to, reminiscent is different from regret,i don't need to change anything,your distrust for me will only lead to my distrust for you,pointless to try and change anything,i don't speak up in my defence cause i thought that you would actually have trusted me,but you proved otherwise.Adiós mis "AMIGOS"
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {9:37 AM}
Monday, April 16, 2007
What Am I?yeah. so now, i have been thinking,for years, i have been coursing through life,taking advantage of kindness, and returning some..but do i really know the purpose of everything i do?what is it that draws me to certain things?what am i made of that sometimes, i feel vulnerable yet strong.oxymoronic signals that my mind gives me.things that i say hurt others,and yet things that i say hurt me..as they seem to point my finger directly, at me.i love to behave as though there was no yesterday,as if there was no tommorrow,only now, the present.i feel like life brings people in and out.but no one wants to stay cause i'm me.there's this strange darkness that has already engulfed me,is it me? or others that feel the same?oh so many kind words i've heard from me,after i felt that i've said one too many nasty words,my being present only confuses me and others,i don't know what to do, i never knew..yet, i pretend like i did,i pretend that i had an aim, i had a goal.nothing makes sense to me,my heart feels cold, numb from the icy world.my soul feels like it's disintegrating,from the onslaughts of fury and fires of hell.i wasn't born with anything, i wasn't born with the ability to speak,i wasn't born knowing how to play,nor did i have the slightest knowledge of anything.but yet, i have grown ,grown to be the devilish me,the me that demons adore.why is it that you can't take me away now?free me from me,take me away when i still have most of my nothing left,don't take me when i have built an affection with me,with the me that has worked and slogged my guts,just to get what i would have.be it riches or a lover,be it power or respect,i don't want to live until i have all that,and have to part leaving everything behind,and passing the glory on to someone else.and up till now,i still have no idea what am i,what i'll be, what made me the way i am,and how i was able to survive in this heartless world,the heartless world that i might have loved,heartless world and a heartless me.
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {12:04 AM}
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
When Chocolates Don't Help...Ever notice whenever you're pissed, chocolate helps?when you're feeling down, chocolate helps..but what happens when they don't help?seriously.. i'm feeling so down.. an i don't know why..something feels wrong.. i feel so emo-y..or at times.. so vulnerable..wondering if i always am making the right decisions,taking a bank shot through every thing i do in life..i don't know what i want and where my life was going..i never knew the consequences to my every actions til it happens..i don't ever think of correcting my mistakes..i don't ever regret anything i do..be it right or wrong, i was never wrong to me...although.. i have never let myself down, but i have disappointed others who cared,,i indulge in the worst of vices,spend my bright future on meaningless rubbish..do things that they don't like.,.so as long as they don't know..my flaws are many..my insecurities are large...i have no limits...or perhaps, never knew my limits..i try time and again to get myself killed..but god never seems to think it was my time..am i dead?does my existence serve any purpose at all?don't tell me i'm emo...don't ask me what's wrong....don't question my depressioin...don't lead me through my life...don't talk to me when i look pissed..cause i might piss you off...talk to me only when you're genuine..cause i can read you..don't lie to me.. i don't like pretentious people..hush~ there's nothing to argue about..nothing to worry about..you won't ever get to see this me...besides, no one reads these stuff...
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {7:29 AM}
Sunday, April 08, 2007
okayy~ a wee bit rusty this site has became...it's just a site... =.=has anyone realised for fact that we always think we're not getting what we want?why can't we be contented with what we already have? think about it this way, when you have nothing, it comes with no worries,no commitment, nobody to tell you what to do, no taxes,that's everything you want, that's everything people wish for isn't it?or if i should say, generally, what everyone wants,i could seriously go in depth.. i tried but relinquished doing so as it was seriously too long..people say "no! i want to be free of worries, rich and influential!"..WAKE UP! don't be stupid.. with that kinda financial status, and influence,you're bound to be slammed with responsibilities.. even if you can say,"i won't work" then, what about your money? who would you influence?with your money, you gotta worry about being robbed.. or blackmailed and shit..again, endless possibilities..and if you retire, who's gonna listen to you? you make no difference,just an old man/woman lying around doing nothing except airing your flithy money..damn it.. why can't people see?we're all becoming a slave for money...people work so hard just to earn money and they fall sick in the process; they go to the doctors and spend that money just to work for it again...i mean.. it's a cycle.. life's short.. be contented with what you have.."if you got a raggedy car and a nigga drives up beside you in his escalade,you look at him like he made the wrong decision" - Katt Williamssee.. you've gotta live your life like it's the best...don't complain all the time.. cause it's boring me out!watching people pull their long faces as they rush to work...you hardly catch a glimpse of happiness in commuters eyes...satisfaction and happiness is just a stupid matter of perception..the better your life gets, the more you expect..therefore, you're never gonna be happy.. RETARDS..always trying to test the limits, get an inch outta life and you want a yard..give you a yard and you complain that's too little, you want a mile...go kill yourself.. i WANT this, i WANT that, do you seriously need it?
thickening the mask and nourishing the devil@ {8:10 AM}
