why do i feel like i wanna say something..
yet, i know that i can never be able to..

why do i know, that it can never be..
yet i insist on trying...

can somebody.. just beat me up and leave me to die?
i can't afford to pay you.. but can you be kind enough to do so?

this anger in me is filling too fast..
i need to hold it til my exams are over and done with..

when it's over i can relax and enjoy..
drink til i die.. i know no one cares anymore..

i'm a robot to you.. but my heart is made of flesh..
can i take it? you pushed me away when you gave me your promise..

just cause someone else sucks up to you..
and made you think he was an angel..
doesn't make him one..

i ain't an angel i admit.. but i am not the freaking devil either..
neither am i a machine nor do i have a non existant heart..

yea.. rage is picking up.. i'm just an object to you right?
just something for you to fill your time with..

if that was the case.. why avoid me?
talk to me.. show me that you don't care..

why is it that you care yet you don't wanna talk..
why act like i'm a stranger when you said we were best friends?

whew~.. got all that out.. desmond ar..
can you hurry.. so i can finally move on..

i really wanna beat up all the arrogant bastards..
they were the people who said
"all sec 4 guys are hum ji"

come on.. over exams are here..
we can't afford to get barred from exams..

don't worry.. after our exams, you'll see...
one more insult on my friends and you're dead.. i swear to god..

i'll show faris what it means to get the kick from a beating..
he'll be the 1st one.. to test my fist's eyesight..
i'm so sorry to say.. my fist, has no eyes...




how great is the difference between "yea" and "yeah"?
how greatly distinguished are"good" and "evil"?

Must i fear just what others fear? How silly...

Yield and overcome; Bend and be straight.
Empty out and be full; Wear out and be renewed.
Have little and gain; have much and be confused.

the True Person embraces The One and therefore,
becomes a model for all.

Do not look only at yourself, and you will see much.
Do not justify yourself, and you will be distinguished.
Do not brag, and you will have merit.
Do not be prideful, and your contribution will last.

It is because you do not strive
that no one under heaven can challenge you.

The saying or wise men,
"Yield and overcome", is not an empty phrase
True wholeness is achieved by blending with life





i just hope you can read this.. though i know you won't...
maybe, by shear chance and coincedence..
a song by aviation.. this song, can only describe,
what i really have to tell you..
but will never have the chance to.. cause you never will allow..




You Were My Everything:

(speech)
This goes out to
someone who was once the most
important person in my life.
i didn't realise it at that time.
i can't forgive myself
for that way i treated you. so,
i don't expect you to either
it's just.. i don't even know..
just listen..

(rap)
you're the one that i want,
the one that i need,
the one that i gotta have just to succeed.
when first saw you,
i knew it was real.
i'm sorry about the pain i made you feel.

that wasn't me,
let me show you the way,
i looked for the sun but it's raining today.
i remeber when i first looked into your eyes,
itwas like god was there
heaven in disguise..

i wore a disguise cause i didn't wanna get hurt
but i didn't know i made everything worse.
you told me we were crazy in love.
but you didn't care
when push came to shove.

if you love me as much as you said you did.
then you wouldn't hurt me like i ain't shit.
now you pushed me away
like you never even knew me
i loved you in my heart
really and truely.

i guessed you forgot all the time that we shared
when i would run my fingers through your hair.
late nights, just holding you in my arms.
i don't know how i could do you so wrong.

i really wanna show you
i really needa hold you.
i really wanna know you
like no one else could know you.
you're number 1 always in my heart.
and now i can't believe that our love's torn apart.

(chorus)
i need you and
i miss you and
i want you and
i love you cause,
i wanna hold you,
i wanna kiss you,
youwere my everything
and i really miss you x2

i knew you're gonna sit
and play this with your new man.
and then sit and laugh
as you're holding his hands.
the thought of that just shatters my heart.
it breaks in my soul and it tears me apart.

on times we was off i was scared to show you.
now i wanna hold you until i can't hold you.
w/o you, everything seems strange,
your name is forever
planted in my brain..

damn it i'm insane.
take away the pain
take away the hurt
baby we can make it work.

what about when you
looked into my eyes
told me you loved me
as you would hug me?

i guess everything
you said was a lie.
i think about it it brings tears to my eyes.
now i'm not even a thought in your mind
i can see clearly my love is not blind.

(chorus)

(talking)
i just wished everything could've turned out different.
i had a special feeling about you.
i thought maybe you did too, you'd understand, but,
no matter what, you'll always be in my heart.
you'll always be my baby.

(rap)
our first day,
it seemed so magical..
i remember all the times that i had with you.
remember when you 1st came to my house,
you looked like an angel wearing that blouse..

we hit it off.
i knew it was real.
but now i can't take all the pain that i feel.
reach in your heart.
i know i'm still there.
i don't wanna hear that you no longer care.

remember the times,
remember when we kissed
i didn't think that you'd ever do me like this.
i didn't think you'd wanna see me depressed
i thought you'd be there for me this i confess.

you said you were my best friend
was that a lie?
now i'm nothing to you
you're with another guy.

i tried i tried i tried and i'm trying
now on the inside, it feels like i'm dying.

(chorus)

(talking)
and i do miss you
i just thought we were meant to be.
i guess now we'll never know.
the ponly thing i want is for you to be happy.
whether be it with me or without me.
i just want you to be happy..




why this why that.. nothing seems right?
nohing makes sense?
wise up man.. nothing's supposed to make sense..
what's this? what goes round is s'pposed to come around..
when's my bad luck gonna go away?
i'm always unlucky in everything 'cept for studies?
nah~.. if i was lucky in studies, i'd top the exams..
i didn't did i? rules rules rules..
people live by rules and relugations,
pressed upon them by people up there..
don't you know?
rules, they are bent out of shape,
beaten up, screw and shouted at..
and they're broken..
why do we need rules? saying sorry seems so easy..
doesn't it? it has become a rule,
it was meant as a form of apology..
but now? people use the word, like a change of clothes,
more like, a flip of our own palm..
does it carry anything now?
if you're really apologetic, show it..
prove it to me.. what? you can't?
cause you ain't sorry.. you say it like..
what? cause it's a rule of everyday life..
in order not to infuriate people, you say it..
like a consolation for your evil deeds upon them..
and wish for their forgiveness...
people who forgive that easily, are dumb..
i have to admit.. 'm the stupidest,
no matter how much i hate this word,
i still forgive people.. even if they don't say it..
why? i am too lazy to bear grudges...
friends are a lighter burden..
yet, friends, are never always true..
see.. humans are beasts, we are animals..
we cannot.. therefore think of ourselves as a higher intelligence,
than animals, think about it.. at least animals are compassionate..




man.. now i know why i don't love my mom..
hahaha.. cause of 'Odeipus'. in the play,
it was stated that a man's love for his mom,
or a woman's love for her dad..
is brought about by sexual desires..
actually i find it hard to accept this fact...
n psycological theory, we are suppressing "forbidden" thoughts,
and therefore we blind ourselves from it.
this fact i can accept..
but the fact that a boy's love for his mom,
or a girls love for her dad,
based on such wild imaginative agression is unacceptable..
of cause, this denial is dubbed by psycologists as "resistance"..
but the risistance, however it is done,
does not prove that the idea wasn't there at all..

This brings me to Hamlet,
there's always been a riddle,
posed to mankind from this shakespearean play.
why, was Hamlet unable to act against his uncle, Caudius?
(don't worry, this is connected to the 'odeipus' theory)
for the fact that Hamlet himself,
has taken action in his revenge,
killing Polonius and executing the wonderful,
"play-within-a-play" tactic to trick claudius into showing his guilt.
adding in the fact that he later sends
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to their graves..
from all these, apparently there's only one thing he cannot do,
to take vengence,
aginst the man who killed his dad and bedded his mom..
why?

the 1st man who figured it out,
turns out to be a reknown psycologist,
Freud, Sigmond.
according to him,
the reason is infact very simple..
Hamlet, sees in his uncle's deed,
his own Odeipal wishes fulfilled..
Claudius had done only what Hamlet had wanted to.
Thus the loathing which should drive him to revenge,
is replaced in him by self-reproaches,
by scruples of conscience.
the fact that Hamlet,
suffers from self-reproach is undeniable.
overand over, he castrigates himself-excessively,
almost irrationally.
he even contemplates suicide..
or at least, that's how the "to be, or not to be"
speech is always interpreted.
why would he feel so guilty,
when he's out to revenge his father?
that was the key reason to the answer of the riddle.
once you know why he's guilty,
you'd know why he couldn't act upon his vengence.
no one was able to explain the famous soliloquy,
"to be, or not to be.................", til Freud.
according to Freud, Hamlet knew-unconciously-
that he, had wished to kill his dad,
and to replace his dad on his mom's bed,
just as Cluadius has done.
Hamlet, had seen in Claudius's deed,
a representation of his own wishes,
Claudius has acted out what he desired,
Claudius has become an embodiment of his wishes,
Claudius was his mirror.
Hamlet's thought has ran from revenge,
to guilt and suicide,
as he saw in Claudius a part of himself.
killing Claudius would be like killing himself..
He infact, was suffering overwhelming guilt,
from his Odeipal wishes that he has not suppressed.




i see no reason, in hating your dad for hitting you..
i would pity him.. you find that that makes you unhappy?
how about, try working your ass off,
trying to satisfy your kid's material needs and wants?
i'm not saying that he's right..
yet, he's not entirely at fault.. his mind is weak..
very.. he wants to love you.. and he does.. yet,
he can't control his actions..
he feels that he, is spposed to be in control, as a "man"..
yet, he isn't.. and he sees that..
that frustration, is infinite.. you love your mom don't you?
cause he is able to keep your mom by your side..
with his senseless labour over money..
he lets your mom love you and look after you..
with his financial support..
and that alone, makes him feel useless,
for being unable to stay and help
bring up his precious daughter..
and your blaming him and bursting at him,
gives him a stronger feeling of hate for himself..
his drinking is not cause he likes it..
nobody really enjoys drinking..
for alcoholics, we drink to escape reality..
cause you are able to blame it on your drunk state..
but truth is, no matter how drunk you are, 30% of you,
s still wide awake.. and you'd know what's going on..
but you refuse to admit it's wrong..
cause now, you have something else to blame..
guys don't cry.. they've seasoned themselves..
so if they let it out, it's violence..
for me, i seek a more peaceful way of letting out sorrows..
drink till i puked.. smoke till i'm engulfed in the cigarette smoke..
in the smog, i cannot see the evils of the world..
in the vomitting i found sorrows poured down the drain.
i found comfort in these aspects of what odinary people disliked..
you're happy people.. you don't carry burdens that long..
i've dragged mine on since i had memory..
and i pulled on the facted that my only memories of my dad,
is that i'm being hit by him.. or my brother..
and the very last scene, him hitting my mom..
but i do not hate him..
i believed it was he, who made me strong..
made me who i am, and who i want to be...
he did it all too.. in a drunken stupor..
and as i said, he later apologised, blaming the alcohol..
for your info, alcohol is supposed to calm nerves..
but too much makes it intoxicating..
drink till i die.. that's my wish.. i can still control myself..
friends looking will only ask.. "are you ok?" when i vomit..
i can still smle.. i felt relieved.. infact..
relieved of my duties to act normal..
as i am deemed "drunk" and therefore unable to control my actions..
truth is.. i still am.. but i didn't want to..
sorry.. that my blog seems to be contridicting anyone elses,
but i know of these, as what life is..
for as i said, i'm one who seeks meaning..
and i prefer to look at things at a more personal observation.
so i did all these to myself to see how it really feels..
don't critisise me..




why am i so afraid? what am i so scared of?
why is it that everytime,
i would let things go when i want to hold on?
am i actually unafraid of letting go like i tell myself?
or is it that i'm too afraid of trying to hang on..
if that's the case, why is my heart still holding on..
when my mouth says i've let go?
i want to move on.. but i need those answers, i'm stuck in the past..
i need directions, i'm worn out by the storms..
everytime, you pass and dissappear,
a cold wind comes by and i cease to be in control..
i shiver with tears welling up in my eyes..
the cold so intense, piercing into my soul,
my very existence questioned by the wind..
why am i dragging on.. i'm holding such a weight on my heart,
dragging my feet on.. walking along.. my heart wants to give in..
i want to drop the weight.. can i?
i've sworn not to flash you a false smile..
so if you see my yet i look expressionless.
you should know why..
pm me when you're online..
if you read my blog

happy people live with out a past and future..
they live for the present, the moment..
they live in the time called now..
yet, they find no meaning, the need no reasons or explaination..
life insists, meaning and happiness are two different roads..
so, it dangles meaning on it's right hand..
and happiness on it's left.. the left hand is the hand of creativity..
and the right, the hand of jobs and hard work..
to find meaning, you must be able to carry the past,
no matter how dark..
and live for the future,
no matter how uncertain it may seem..
if you're seeking happiness,
you need not do so..
as the past is dark and the future too blur..
finding meaning is alot of hard work..
but, my whole life, i seek meaning..
and now, i'm stuck in the past.. i need an explaination..
give me one.. please..









i don't care if no one actually reads my blog..
here's something i bit from a show... but it's improvised

if a person wants you,
nothing can keep him/her from you..

if a person doesn't want you,
nothing can make him/her stay..

stop making excuses for him/her and their behaviour..

heartbreaks lasts as long,
and cuts as deep as you allow them to..

the challenge,
is not to survive heartbreaks,
but to learn from them..

when it rains, look for the rainbow